daily life: the right way

The streets are paved with turds and cum filled condoms, sorry about that, but my toilets on the blink again. So the more civilised individuals tend to wear shoes, because generally people don't want shitty spunk on their feet.
But this capitalist world we live in doesn't want us to buy just one pair of shoes in a lifetime, there's just not enough profit to be made in that, so shoes are manufactured out of materials designed to break, and scientists place chemicals in our food that make our feet keep on growing (just like those chemicals Gillette put in shaving foam that make our facial hair become thicker).
As a result I've had to go shoe shopping because even though I'm from the planet Moanania I need to wear shoes to prevent shitty cum getting between my toes. Oddly, our capitalist society doesn't seem interested in extracting loads of money from men when it comes to clothing and shoes, so this was a challenge.
Firstly I tried to source some shoes in Debenhams, but all that were on display were size 8 right shoes, and a size 11 that a shop assistant (who has now been fired for committing the most heinous of crimes, putting a non-size 8 shoe on a shelf) mistakenly placed on display. Like a majority of the earths population I don't have size 8 feet, and even if I did one of my feet is decidedly too left for a right shoe. This wouldn't be much of an issue if this major retailer, and employer of dozens if not hundreds of staff, had somebody capable of fetching me some not size 8 shoes of both the left and right variety from the store room, perhaps if I had boobs?
So next I tried Clarks, this retailer was brimming over with young shop assistants eager to assist my feet (and I few I wouldn't mind giving a foot rub to). Being an expert in shoe retailing Clarks don't just have size 8 right shoes on display, no, they have a complete range of sizes in right shoes, all piled on top of each other in a small corner of the shop, a whole 2 shelves crammed in the small space not occupied by the 8 shelves of ladies shoes which were all carefully and artistically displayed.
Once I'd located a size 9 right shoe I liked the assistant dutifully went to the back room to locate the matching left shoe, after some time she returned shoeless, somebody had stolen her shoes? It seemed that this right shoe had no matching left! So I located an alternative right shoe I liked, but this was a 10 so the assistant started her long voyage to the stock room in search of a left and right shoe in size 9 but of the same style as the 10. She returned with a left size 9 in a different colour to the one I wanted, it's all she could find. Determined to locate the matching right shoe which must exist, for if we've learned only one fact about shoes so far it's that there will always be a right one, the assistant called upon her colleagues to scour the shelves in search of the AWOL shoe. Several expeditions to the store room later the missing left size 9 from some weeks earlier was located! Then, when hope was dwindling the elusive right size 9 was discovered inside the very box that nobody had thought to look in, the box marked size 9 shoes - contents 1 x left, 1 x right.

daily life: nuts about the bolts

You've probably heard of the famed Scottish inventor Tavish McAno, best known as the inventor of Lego in 1762. It's rumoured that he demanded the instructions with every kit be incorrect so as to instill ingenuity and creativity in the young children that wiled away hours constructing planes, trains and automobiles.
So I can only assume that the heirs of the McAno fortune have turned their attention from 10ft Ferris wheels to flat-packed wardrobes and are deliberately including mistakes in the instructions, or perhaps there has been some terrible calamity in the printers and page 3 of the assembly instructions for my new bureau were substituted for the care instruction of Inflatable Ilene, for I'm highly dubious that I was meant to stick my genitalia into the keyhole, and it was frightfully painful trying to get it back out!

daily life: like my dreams

You may recall that the old Laboratoire had to be abandoned due to a biological incident and that work on the newer, better, faster, stronger, slicker, cheesier Laboratoire started in earnest.
As you can likely imagine The Laboratoire has to store lots of potentially dangerous fluids and the most efficient way to prevent a repeat of 'the incident' is to store these in a supercooled environment. This means that large swathes of The Laboratoire are dedicated to the freezing of liquids ranging from milky to creamy, and that requires a large number of freezing units.

While rebuilding The Laboratoire I ordered specially designed freezing units manufactured by Hotpoint, specified to handle the particularly toxic substances that are commonplace at The Laboratoire. Unfortunately these were not manufactured to the standards that we at The Laboratoire pride ourselves to uphold, and a few days ago an unfortunate, and previously very promising, member of staff was opening one of the storage drawers in an RZ freezing unit when it failed. As safety is of utmost importance at The Laboratoire she was wearing a state of the art hermetically sealed suit designed by The Laboratoire Skunkworks, yet as she pulled open the drawer it shattered and shards flew in all direction piercing a hole in her suit (the Skunkworks is now working tireless to create a more robust suit), and another piercing a containment unit enabling some very dangerous specimens to escape.
The biological containment procedures automatically triggered sealing off sector 19B of the Refrigeration and Freezing Facility and a controlled burn of the area was initiated, including the unfortunately infected employee.

Upon hearing the news that an employee of The Laboratoire had met such an untimely end I immediately contacted Hotpoint to complain that after a mere 5 months there had been a critical failure on one of their freezing units due to the poor quality materials used in it's manufacture.
Hotpoint boast of a 5 year parts warranty on all products, yet the company representative stated that this is a 'limited warranty' and does not cover any non-mechanical or plastic parts. I was completely outraged by this, they essentially stated that the product can be poorly made and break as long as it isn't the motor/compressor, the door can fall off, the shelves can snap, the drawers can explode, but as long as the compressor still runs they take no responsibility for this, even if the unit is only 2 weeks old, and even if the failure was covered (as unlikely as that would ever seem to be) there is a £100 labour charge levied against the replacement of any failed parts.

I'm not allowed to endorse or condemn an organisations or products on this site, I certainly can't tell you to never by a Hotpoint product because they are poorly manufactured and that the company unethical promotes a generous rectification programme with the aim of luring customers into purchasing products that are not fit for purpose. Though I can setup a new division at The Laboratoire dedicated to manufacturing freezing and refrigeration equipment that doesn't break after 5 months!

mini-moan: locking the stable door

The internet is a dangerous place. Everybody is trying to steal your bases so they belong to them and although sometimes people don't lose their bases due to stupidity, most of the time it is down to the world being populated with morons.

As a result of this websites handling information that could be used to steal bases often overreact to this threat and implement absolutely ludicrous security measures such at the UK National Lottery website.

To buy tickets online for the UK lottery you have to fund your account with a minimum of £10, this is often via a debit card payment. These details are then stored on their servers so it's quick and easy for you to top-up the bases so Camelot can make millions make things more convenient for users.
You are able to get your bases back at any time, so long as there are at least 10 in the account, but these have to be transferred to the debit card used to fund the account.
So what happens when you want to your bases back but since you funded the account you were issued a new debit card because the old one expired, broke, was lost or was stolen? Well obviously you update the debit card details stored in your account, there is a handy link on the website.

But this is where the security kicks in, for your 'protection' if your account has any bases you can't update your debit card details, this prevents somebody hacking your lottery account, updating the debit card details and putting your hard earned bases into their account. So when you update your debit card details the site automatically transfers any bases to the previously registered card and then adds the new card.
Can you see the problem here? If you have an intellect great than that of a mentally retarded dung beetle, which granted is many times greater than the developers of the National Lottery website, you will have realised all your bases have been transferred to a debit card that no longer exists!

All your bases are belong to some random person now!!!

daily life: rather taxing

Value Added Tax, it's quite a money spinner for the UK government, apparently accounting for the 3rd largest amount of revenue collected each year.
I'm not going to argue for or against VAT because frankly I don't give much of a crap, there's a saying about death and taxes that is so cliche I will not bother to repeat it.

What does massively irk me when it comes to VAT is the completely arbitrary rates and exceptions that are deeply woven into it's very possibly VAT Exempt fabric. VAT was originally intended to apply to luxury goods, which is why food on the whole is VAT exempt, and why a Jaffa Cake is not a biscuit.
British society has also decided that literacy is very important and therefore books are not a luxury. Also, unlike our friends over the pond in Yankland, it seems British people generally think access to healthcare is a right that doesn't belong only to the wealthiest members of society, with the exception of dentistry, which for some reason that I'm sure many people have found both bizarre and incredibly frustrating, is pretty much private!!!

So surely if reading is deemed so fundamental that books are VAT exempt, and medical services are likewise viewed as a right, those of us with less than perfectly shaped eyeballs, unable to read a book, or more crucially a road sign, can toddle down to our opticians and purchase some new ocular correctifiers without the extra 20% burden of VAT?

This is where my definition of Luxury differs massively from HMRC, because the eye test that determines I need to stick massive lenses on my eyeballs so I can actually see The Gherkin while standing so close to it a Nats cock wouldn't fix between us is VAT exempt, but the lenses that enable me to view every hair on a Nats cock at 50 paces incur the full 20% VAT, not even the reduced rate of 5%.

So, being able to see = Luxury
Burial/Cremation of the dead = VAT Exempt

That's good, so when I run down and kill all those pedestrians that I couldn't see at least their loved ones can burn them without spending a single penny on VAT.

But before you rush off to charter an Aircraft after realising it has a VAT rate of 0%, remember that you could die in a firey plane crash after the pilot fails to see that 747.

And when you hire an expert to cast their trained eye over that VAT Exempt Ming Vase you are about to purchase, make sure said expert isn't squinting.

daily life: against the rocks

Like an incredibly dashed thing against the rockiest rock on the dashiest day of the year.

You know how some online retailers enable you to configure stock alerts? The intention is that you will be immediately informed that an item is in stock so you can rush to their website and purchase it without a seconds thought, so overcome with excitement that an item, which may have been unavailable for months is suddenly just a few mouse clicks away.

Well, Tesco are one such retailer, and a few weeks ago I had duly configured a stock alert for a product, I'll leave it to your imagination as to the identity of the item.

Yesterday, while checking my emails I spied an email from Tesco titled 'Stock alert for xxx', where 'xxx' will be the stand for the item in question. So I navigate to Tesco's website like a man possessed by the urge to by some 'xxx', never has a man been so determined to get some 'xxx' action. Yet, I was bemused to discover that Tesco didn't have any 'xxx' in stock, the 'xxx' cupboard was bare. My first thought is 'xxx' must be bloody popular, it's flying off the shelves, people obviously want to get hold of some 'xxx', but just to be sure I doubled checked my emails and reading past the subject line it all became clear.


Sorry, the following product isn't back in stock:

The thing is, I'd assumed that the whole point of a Stock Alert is that until told otherwise, the customer will assume that the item isn't in stock, I knew it wasn't in stock, and explicitly asked to be informed when I could get my hands on some 'xxx', which means I'll assume there isn't any 'xxx' available until I am informed otherwise.

To make matters worse, out of interest I decided to check up on Tesco's 'xxx' levels today, and it appears 'xxx' is now abundant, though I have not actually be informed by Tesco that a hot batch of 'xxx' has come.

So it seems that Tesco haven't quite understood the concept of a Stock Alert, instead of informing customers when 'xxx' is available they instead inform customer that they there 'xxx' needs cannot presently be met.

And in case you are wondering, I had seconds thoughts on acquiring 'xxx' over the internet and am considering how best to fulfill my current 'xxx' needs.

ultra-mini-moan: on the trail!

This!
Need I say more?

Just imagine the horrific accident that could have been caused if a blind driver had pulled around the corner into the car park, there is no way their guide dog would have been able to see this obstruction from the passenger seat! Quite literally a Trail(er) of Obstruction!

daily life: what's that sticking up in the covers?

This is more of a re-rant.
We live in the Information Age, or so I am told, the world is full of information, information at the touch of a button, information spitting it's juicy goodness right into your face, and you like it, you want the information in your face.
So why is the information I want impossible to find?
I want to telephone a company to inform them they've been incompetent - Can I find their phone number on the website? My arse I can. Even if the website has a 'Contact Us' button at the top of the page it certainly doesn't take you to a page with contact details, likely a page telling you the company has helpful customer service advisers working 24 hours a day to solve your issues. Well they are wasting their money paying a team of 'friendly and helpful' customer care staff to work 24 hours a day, I doubt anybody has successfully located the phone number yet.
If the page contains more than the tagline for their next TV advert it probably has a selection of 'Frequently Asked Questions' that will solve your need to speak to a human, though it's more like a scavenger hunt, and you have to find the clues and answer the questions in order to proceed to the finish line.
So finally after wading through the 'Forest of FAQ' you might stumble across a link to a 'Live Chat' thingy, well it's not quite a phone number but at least I can have a 'Two-Way Dialogue' with a real person (or a super advanced AI that would give Vest-Man a run for his money), though your hopes of resolving your problem as dashed by the heart shattering message 'Unfortunately our Live Chat service is not available at the moment, but you can speak to one of our customer support team on the telephone'. ARGH!!!!, and they don't even list the telephone number.

Are you getting Deja-vu yet?

Or recently I needed to give several organisations the address of the new Laboratoire, that was certainly not easy, especially HMRC who required me to know some special number to prove I am who I claim I am, only I don't know that special number, some other person knows that special number so I have to ask them what the special number is. So to prove I am who I claim to be I need to provide them with a number that only another person knows! In what world does that ever makes sense?

Can somebody also please tell me what the light on my Vax means - There is this red light that goes on and off, sometimes off completely, other times flickering, others flashing at regular intervals. I would guess it's telling me how much I suck at any given moment, but the instruction manual doesn't even mention the existence of a light, and most definitely does not explain it's various phases. I can only assume the light and the corresponding instruction manual were produced by a team of women (we have many female teams working tirelessly at the Laboratoire, getting to grips with some very long and hard problems), that would certainly explain why I have absolutely no idea what is wrong, and why when I ask the response is "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"

Oh, and there is a whirry thing that I haven't got a clue as to its purpose is!

food: mmmm dunno

So this post was triggered after consuming a Danone Danio yoghurt, well I'll have to take their word for it that the product was yoghurt as it had a bizarre spongy texture and quite literally absolutely no taste.
Danone claim that the milk is passed through a special fat extraction thingamajig which leaves the yoghurt extra thick and with 0% fat.
This yoghurt was completely vile, and I'd sooner lick the white fluid from the inside of George Michaels underpants than the white crud in a Danio pot, but it's 0% fat so that apparently makes it acceptable to sell tasteless goo for lots of money.
But ultimately what is the point of all these fat free, reduced fat, completely disgusting things? If the thing you are eating is unpleasant then just don't eat it, because there's no fat freeer, calorie lower item than nothing.

Plus I've never understood people that don't eat butter and cream. In particular people don't put butter on their bread because it contains salt and fat, instead they spread vegetable fat based stuff full of chemically and mechanically altered I don't know what. How can you ever argue that an almost natural product rich in vitamins and protein is worse for you than whatever Utterly Butterly is? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! I Can't Believe People Eat That And I Definitely Can't Believe It's Food!
And if the bit of fat and salt in butter is a problem for those people's health then how much butter are they spreading on their bread?

Here's a crazy new idea, if you want to lose weight and stay healthy eat a sensible amount of tasty food and not a massive amount of 'Low Fat' crap. You might just enjoy eating your dinner for once.

daily life: square hole

The new Laboratoire is nearing completion and alongside high technology such as the Photon-Fabulator and Electro-Knobulation machine, all vital to the daily operation of The Laboratoire, a fleet of new toilets have been installed.
But today I was trying out one of the new toilets and noticed that the toilet seat was square. Perhaps being from another world I am anatomically different from most, but my posterior is more round than square, I'd go as far as to say it isn't square in any way. As a result trying to sit my round plug on the square hole was a deeply unpleasant and uncomfortable few minutes, and it definitely failed to provide the appropriate amount of purchase often required when carrying out the numerous activities a toilet seat is accustomed to.
It has me wondering what bizarrely shaped derrière the toilet seat designer must have had. What shop sells trousers that fit a square backside? Are they able to sit on a futon? Do they use specially manufactured round toilet paper?

daily life: can't get it out

I'm not an expert screwer, I probably only screw a few times a year, Christmas generally involves some screwing. Screwing is hard enough, but it's made all the worse when the previous screwer has left behind a shattered mess.
How difficult is it to look after the head while screwing? It is after all the most important part of any screw, you need to care for the head, touch it gently, definitely don't apply too much pressure, and if you go too fast the head just explodes in your face and the whole thing will be an exercise in futility.

Remember, when you screw be gentle with the head.

mini-moan: a good hump

You are probably still wondering where the epic post is, I assure you it is merely stuck in a puddle and will dry out soon.

I've got the hump with humps. Everywhere I go I'm getting humped, regularly 5 or more humps in the space of a few minutes, it's leaving me tired and it's certainly not doing my backside any favours. For the love of my bottom give me a break from the humping!
So I get to my local Tesco Extra after being humped to within an inch of my life, now I've got to manoeuvre into a really tight space and while trying not to scratch the sides I get humped from behind... they'd only gone and put a hump in front of the parking bay.