daily life: the right way

The streets are paved with turds and cum filled condoms, sorry about that, but my toilets on the blink again. So the more civilised individuals tend to wear shoes, because generally people don't want shitty spunk on their feet.
But this capitalist world we live in doesn't want us to buy just one pair of shoes in a lifetime, there's just not enough profit to be made in that, so shoes are manufactured out of materials designed to break, and scientists place chemicals in our food that make our feet keep on growing (just like those chemicals Gillette put in shaving foam that make our facial hair become thicker).
As a result I've had to go shoe shopping because even though I'm from the planet Moanania I need to wear shoes to prevent shitty cum getting between my toes. Oddly, our capitalist society doesn't seem interested in extracting loads of money from men when it comes to clothing and shoes, so this was a challenge.
Firstly I tried to source some shoes in Debenhams, but all that were on display were size 8 right shoes, and a size 11 that a shop assistant (who has now been fired for committing the most heinous of crimes, putting a non-size 8 shoe on a shelf) mistakenly placed on display. Like a majority of the earths population I don't have size 8 feet, and even if I did one of my feet is decidedly too left for a right shoe. This wouldn't be much of an issue if this major retailer, and employer of dozens if not hundreds of staff, had somebody capable of fetching me some not size 8 shoes of both the left and right variety from the store room, perhaps if I had boobs?
So next I tried Clarks, this retailer was brimming over with young shop assistants eager to assist my feet (and I few I wouldn't mind giving a foot rub to). Being an expert in shoe retailing Clarks don't just have size 8 right shoes on display, no, they have a complete range of sizes in right shoes, all piled on top of each other in a small corner of the shop, a whole 2 shelves crammed in the small space not occupied by the 8 shelves of ladies shoes which were all carefully and artistically displayed.
Once I'd located a size 9 right shoe I liked the assistant dutifully went to the back room to locate the matching left shoe, after some time she returned shoeless, somebody had stolen her shoes? It seemed that this right shoe had no matching left! So I located an alternative right shoe I liked, but this was a 10 so the assistant started her long voyage to the stock room in search of a left and right shoe in size 9 but of the same style as the 10. She returned with a left size 9 in a different colour to the one I wanted, it's all she could find. Determined to locate the matching right shoe which must exist, for if we've learned only one fact about shoes so far it's that there will always be a right one, the assistant called upon her colleagues to scour the shelves in search of the AWOL shoe. Several expeditions to the store room later the missing left size 9 from some weeks earlier was located! Then, when hope was dwindling the elusive right size 9 was discovered inside the very box that nobody had thought to look in, the box marked size 9 shoes - contents 1 x left, 1 x right.