daily life: against the rocks

Like an incredibly dashed thing against the rockiest rock on the dashiest day of the year.

You know how some online retailers enable you to configure stock alerts? The intention is that you will be immediately informed that an item is in stock so you can rush to their website and purchase it without a seconds thought, so overcome with excitement that an item, which may have been unavailable for months is suddenly just a few mouse clicks away.

Well, Tesco are one such retailer, and a few weeks ago I had duly configured a stock alert for a product, I'll leave it to your imagination as to the identity of the item.

Yesterday, while checking my emails I spied an email from Tesco titled 'Stock alert for xxx', where 'xxx' will be the stand for the item in question. So I navigate to Tesco's website like a man possessed by the urge to by some 'xxx', never has a man been so determined to get some 'xxx' action. Yet, I was bemused to discover that Tesco didn't have any 'xxx' in stock, the 'xxx' cupboard was bare. My first thought is 'xxx' must be bloody popular, it's flying off the shelves, people obviously want to get hold of some 'xxx', but just to be sure I doubled checked my emails and reading past the subject line it all became clear.


Sorry, the following product isn't back in stock:

The thing is, I'd assumed that the whole point of a Stock Alert is that until told otherwise, the customer will assume that the item isn't in stock, I knew it wasn't in stock, and explicitly asked to be informed when I could get my hands on some 'xxx', which means I'll assume there isn't any 'xxx' available until I am informed otherwise.

To make matters worse, out of interest I decided to check up on Tesco's 'xxx' levels today, and it appears 'xxx' is now abundant, though I have not actually be informed by Tesco that a hot batch of 'xxx' has come.

So it seems that Tesco haven't quite understood the concept of a Stock Alert, instead of informing customers when 'xxx' is available they instead inform customer that they there 'xxx' needs cannot presently be met.

And in case you are wondering, I had seconds thoughts on acquiring 'xxx' over the internet and am considering how best to fulfill my current 'xxx' needs.

ultra-mini-moan: on the trail!

This!
Need I say more?

Just imagine the horrific accident that could have been caused if a blind driver had pulled around the corner into the car park, there is no way their guide dog would have been able to see this obstruction from the passenger seat! Quite literally a Trail(er) of Obstruction!

daily life: what's that sticking up in the covers?

This is more of a re-rant.
We live in the Information Age, or so I am told, the world is full of information, information at the touch of a button, information spitting it's juicy goodness right into your face, and you like it, you want the information in your face.
So why is the information I want impossible to find?
I want to telephone a company to inform them they've been incompetent - Can I find their phone number on the website? My arse I can. Even if the website has a 'Contact Us' button at the top of the page it certainly doesn't take you to a page with contact details, likely a page telling you the company has helpful customer service advisers working 24 hours a day to solve your issues. Well they are wasting their money paying a team of 'friendly and helpful' customer care staff to work 24 hours a day, I doubt anybody has successfully located the phone number yet.
If the page contains more than the tagline for their next TV advert it probably has a selection of 'Frequently Asked Questions' that will solve your need to speak to a human, though it's more like a scavenger hunt, and you have to find the clues and answer the questions in order to proceed to the finish line.
So finally after wading through the 'Forest of FAQ' you might stumble across a link to a 'Live Chat' thingy, well it's not quite a phone number but at least I can have a 'Two-Way Dialogue' with a real person (or a super advanced AI that would give Vest-Man a run for his money), though your hopes of resolving your problem as dashed by the heart shattering message 'Unfortunately our Live Chat service is not available at the moment, but you can speak to one of our customer support team on the telephone'. ARGH!!!!, and they don't even list the telephone number.

Are you getting Deja-vu yet?

Or recently I needed to give several organisations the address of the new Laboratoire, that was certainly not easy, especially HMRC who required me to know some special number to prove I am who I claim I am, only I don't know that special number, some other person knows that special number so I have to ask them what the special number is. So to prove I am who I claim to be I need to provide them with a number that only another person knows! In what world does that ever makes sense?

Can somebody also please tell me what the light on my Vax means - There is this red light that goes on and off, sometimes off completely, other times flickering, others flashing at regular intervals. I would guess it's telling me how much I suck at any given moment, but the instruction manual doesn't even mention the existence of a light, and most definitely does not explain it's various phases. I can only assume the light and the corresponding instruction manual were produced by a team of women (we have many female teams working tirelessly at the Laboratoire, getting to grips with some very long and hard problems), that would certainly explain why I have absolutely no idea what is wrong, and why when I ask the response is "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"

Oh, and there is a whirry thing that I haven't got a clue as to its purpose is!

food: mmmm dunno

So this post was triggered after consuming a Danone Danio yoghurt, well I'll have to take their word for it that the product was yoghurt as it had a bizarre spongy texture and quite literally absolutely no taste.
Danone claim that the milk is passed through a special fat extraction thingamajig which leaves the yoghurt extra thick and with 0% fat.
This yoghurt was completely vile, and I'd sooner lick the white fluid from the inside of George Michaels underpants than the white crud in a Danio pot, but it's 0% fat so that apparently makes it acceptable to sell tasteless goo for lots of money.
But ultimately what is the point of all these fat free, reduced fat, completely disgusting things? If the thing you are eating is unpleasant then just don't eat it, because there's no fat freeer, calorie lower item than nothing.

Plus I've never understood people that don't eat butter and cream. In particular people don't put butter on their bread because it contains salt and fat, instead they spread vegetable fat based stuff full of chemically and mechanically altered I don't know what. How can you ever argue that an almost natural product rich in vitamins and protein is worse for you than whatever Utterly Butterly is? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! I Can't Believe People Eat That And I Definitely Can't Believe It's Food!
And if the bit of fat and salt in butter is a problem for those people's health then how much butter are they spreading on their bread?

Here's a crazy new idea, if you want to lose weight and stay healthy eat a sensible amount of tasty food and not a massive amount of 'Low Fat' crap. You might just enjoy eating your dinner for once.

daily life: square hole

The new Laboratoire is nearing completion and alongside high technology such as the Photon-Fabulator and Electro-Knobulation machine, all vital to the daily operation of The Laboratoire, a fleet of new toilets have been installed.
But today I was trying out one of the new toilets and noticed that the toilet seat was square. Perhaps being from another world I am anatomically different from most, but my posterior is more round than square, I'd go as far as to say it isn't square in any way. As a result trying to sit my round plug on the square hole was a deeply unpleasant and uncomfortable few minutes, and it definitely failed to provide the appropriate amount of purchase often required when carrying out the numerous activities a toilet seat is accustomed to.
It has me wondering what bizarrely shaped derrière the toilet seat designer must have had. What shop sells trousers that fit a square backside? Are they able to sit on a futon? Do they use specially manufactured round toilet paper?

daily life: can't get it out

I'm not an expert screwer, I probably only screw a few times a year, Christmas generally involves some screwing. Screwing is hard enough, but it's made all the worse when the previous screwer has left behind a shattered mess.
How difficult is it to look after the head while screwing? It is after all the most important part of any screw, you need to care for the head, touch it gently, definitely don't apply too much pressure, and if you go too fast the head just explodes in your face and the whole thing will be an exercise in futility.

Remember, when you screw be gentle with the head.

mini-moan: a good hump

You are probably still wondering where the epic post is, I assure you it is merely stuck in a puddle and will dry out soon.

I've got the hump with humps. Everywhere I go I'm getting humped, regularly 5 or more humps in the space of a few minutes, it's leaving me tired and it's certainly not doing my backside any favours. For the love of my bottom give me a break from the humping!
So I get to my local Tesco Extra after being humped to within an inch of my life, now I've got to manoeuvre into a really tight space and while trying not to scratch the sides I get humped from behind... they'd only gone and put a hump in front of the parking bay.