Moaning is a forgotten art, and although many wish they knew how to have a good moan, few have the prowess.
Enter your moaning saviour, willing to take on the difficult moaning tasks you are not up to.
From TV, film, music, technology, politics, news, finance, theguywhomoanscalledmatthew has any daily annoyance in his site (sic), ready to let rip a torrent of bile.
I have a confession to make - I have become addicted to 'the likes'.
Something snapped in me one day and now I am completely dependent on the little notification that pops up on Facebook to indicate somebody likes my post, picture or link.
In fact I sit their staring at my computer screen waiting for the notification to reassure me that I am indeed valued by some individual that I really don't know that well. It has reached the point where I will post any random crap in the vein hope that somebody will hit that little thumb icon, most likely out of pity, just to brighten up my sad and pathetic life.
I really need help, for years I was able to let the whole social networking craze pass me by, dismissing it as something stupid people do. But now I am actively participating, but worse than that I don't even have any friends to socialise or network with and that just makes it even more pointless.
I wonder what happens when you like your own post?
I originally asked for article requests on my Facebook page and the best idea was going to be the first article of 2012. Then I realised I don't have any friends so that idea soon went out the window.
But then I saw a Tesco advert that annoyed me, an attempt to sell tat for Mothers Day. It proudly boasted 'Cards from 50p and gifts from £1'. And it reminded me of how much I dislike mothers day.
Hold on before you leave my site in disgust. I hate mothers day because it perpetuates a belief that you can take your mother for granted, treat her badly for 364 days a year (or 365 if it is a leap year) and as long as you by a cruddy card and a bunch of dead flowers everything is fine.
Maybe for small children mothers day is fine, a day when they can show some appreciation for everything their mum has sacrificed over the years without truly understanding how hard their mum really works, but once you become an adult and understand how difficult it is to raise children you should know better than to treat your mum as free labour.
Take my mum as an example, she currently lives over 152 miles away, and I speak to her at least twice a day on the phone which if you think about it that isn't very difficult, yet she has friends that haven't spoken to their children in months or seen them in years. This is not acceptable, how difficult is it to pick up the phone and have a chat for 20 minutes? In a way I blame mothers day for this. If everybody gave their mum the level of love and respect they deserved every day of the week we wouldn't need to earmark one Sunday in March to celebrate them, and if you think your mum is only worth a 50p card once a year then you don't deserve to have one.
And to all you fathers out there, it's your responsibility to ensure your children give their mum (your girlfriend, fiancée or wife) the level of respect she deserves. And if you take mum for granted so will your children.
So starting this Sunday (in the UK at least), if you've been taking your mum for granted all these years I want you to change your ways and say 'From now on I'm going to give my mum the level of love and respect she deserves'. And if you continue to be selfish I'll send Mr T to sort you out.
It has been a while since I updated this blog, and I have heard rumours that I am no longer alive. Some reports have involved large quantities of bananas and duct tape.
I can assure you that these reports are not true, and this post is being typed by myself, and not via some form of possession from 'The Other Side'.
The truth is that I have been working on my plans for world domination, and if you've ever worked on such plans yourself you will know how time consuming they can be. There are various conditions you must account for, and many contingency plans to ensure 'success criteria' is met. But I guarantee that the planning stage is nearly complete and you will soon see more activity, on May 2nd 2011 an early 'proof of concept' was performed which I can confirm was successful.
I hope that I can count on you to be discrete, I wouldn't want anybody to be forewarned of my plans.
I'm all for technology proliferating into our daily lives, in particular I m still wowed by the keyless entry and ignition on my car. But sometimes needlessly adding flashy features to daily activites just makes them tediously annoying, none more annoying than the 'high tech' electric hobs that seem to be all the rage these days. My flat has one of those flashy glass touch panel doo-hickies without any buttons that morons who don't actually cook but want everybody to know how rich and stylish they are always have despite the fact it doesn't actually work (Yay for run-on sentences).Coupled with the fact that electric hobs just don't fecking work, you either boil over the pan or it just sits there doing nothing like it caught ME, and forget about frying sausages. What idiot decided to integrate an iPhone with my hob, if I want to turn the light up I have to press a 'button' to change mode, and probably press it again because it was in the wrong mode to start with, and then press some more buttons some more times. What was wrong with turning a knob, when I was a lad we didn't have touch buttons, we had to make do with knobs and we were happy to have them.
I'm sure many of you have been at a petrol station, you've already paid, but you can't leave because the owner of the car in front is still inside the shop. To make it worse, after 10 minutes that feel more like 10 hours, the owner of said car trundles out laden with half-a-dozen shopping bags with content ranging from asbestos through to zebra steaks.
The first fault lies with the petrol station who have failed to understand sticking 2 extra pumps in to 'maximise profits', therefore requiring the pumps to be placed just far enough apart to successfully dispense the delicious petrol, ultimately results in so many queues you halve the amount of customers you can serve in any given period of time.
Secondly the moron that decides to do their weekly shop at the petrol station needs to be locked in a deep dark pit while children point and laugh at them. And why is it always woman? I could understand if it was a single man whose idea of 'Haute Cuisine' is a creme egg served with a 'Frijj' jus, they could therefore shop quite comfortable at the 'Gas 'n' Go', but when you start asking the spotty teen behind the counter where the foie gras is maybe you should change your shopping habits.
Some of you may have wondered why there hasn't been an update in a while, perhaps you've been unable to sleep at night, tossing and turning in your bed as you attempt to come to terms with me no longer brightening up your day.
If this is you then my advise is to end it, perhaps find a bus to step in front of. For the rest of you there is a reasonable explanation for my absence, I've been sued for breach of copyright. Believe it or not I haven't obtained the express consent from copyright owners before posting some images on this site, and some litigious individual has attempted to bring down my musings.
Anyhoo, that's all over now and normal service will be resumed.
I'm certainly no Howard Hughes, but I am reasonably strong on hygiene. You know those little things people expect you to do like wash your hands after going to the toilet, society sure is funny about stuff like that.
Well recently I've been noticing more people who façade hygiene, the people that think running their hands under a tap for 3 seconds is the same as dipping them into a vat of bleach. Because they know people wouldn't go near them if they just walked out of the toilet without washing their hands they just stick them under a tap for 2 Mississippis (thank you spell check).
If you've gone to the trouble of pretending to wash your hands then you might as well wash your hands properly. Or maybe these people are allergic to Carex and I'm being unfairly harsh on them.
