announcement: good with hands

Christmas is just around the corner so it is the perfect time to launch a new product from The Laboratoire.
For those of you that have friends and loved ones that you wish would just go away you can give them a present that says 'Please never speak to me again, I clearly don't like you!'.
Inspired by the fad of giving people $h17 that they will never actually see such as a plot of land on the moon, a distant star or a herd of Reindeer I've launched my own scam heart warming appeal.

You, that's right, you, can now 'Adopt a Laboratoire', for just £50 you can help keep The Laboratoire turning out life shortening enhancing inventions and insightful critiques at semi-random intervals. In return for your donation you'll receive a unique and custom made gift pack which you can present to your beloved on Christmas day detailing the wonderful work carried out at The Laboratoire and a signed* photograph of The Laboratoire** in a beautiful presentation box***

For illustrative purposes only

* Signature of some random tramp we gave a half eaten Turkey sandwich.
** Photograph illustrative of The Laboratoire.
*** Stocks of the presentation box are limited and may be substituted for an envelope that has been used as a coaster.

announcement: fasten your trousers.

I'm currently bunkered down in The Laboratoire working on an insightful post that is sure to make you re-evaluate your life and question every choice you've ever made. Such a post takes time to congeal so to keep your juices from bursting out at an inappropriate time I've included an extract of that which will be unveiled at some future point.

So fasten your trousers.

... masochistically ...

WOW!  Bet you just exploded, and that's just a very small sample of what is to come.

announcement: it's that time again.

It seems like only yesterday I celebrated the

One Thousand View Question Answering Extravaganza!

And now my pointless, unnecessary, uninteresting and self aggrandising ramblings have accumulated just under 1700 views. That means I am soon to approach Two Thousand views, and obviously I'm going to celebrate that milestone as Two Thousand is a bigger number than One Thousand and I measure the value of things based on how big they are, well most things.

This time I will not be asking for my reader to contribute questions that I will answer hilariously, I think you've all learned far too much about me as it is. Instead I have something special planned and in a 'Watch Out! Beadles About' crossed with 'Noel's House Party' style event I will appear on the doorstep of a viewer and whisk them away for a guided tour of my new Laboratoire where they'll get to see where all my top secret research is conducted, tour my cobra training facility and much, much more.

So now might be the perfect time to install a moat and fill it with lava and crocodiles.

Announcement: and then you went and spoiled it all

I've got terrible news reader of my blog but I've had to call off my talent search and that means there will not be a special guest blog.

You may recall that there was an incident at the Laboratoire in which an individual tried to deliver a fluid sample in an unsanctioned manner. Despite a team of expert cleaners working round the clock to decontaminate the area apparently they were not completely successful and some specimens remained on the carpet.

Last week a team of scientists working at the tgwmcm Laboratoire were experimenting with turning the power of moaning into a renewable power source that would never be exhausted, there was a mishap during an early test and a minor radiation leak occurred. Normally this wouldn't have mattered but this radiation reacted badly with the 'fluid' that had not been thoroughly cleaned and resulted in the creation of an abomination that soon rampaged through the Laboratoire destroying all in it's path.

At the tgwmcm Laboratoire we take safety seriously and there are numerous safety features built into the fabric of the Laboratoire, many of them unique and far beyond the technological abilities of mere human, to bring such scenarios to a safe conclusion,  yet even these were not enough to contain the beast that was unleashed. A crack team were sent in to deal with the 'incident', non of whom made it back, so the decision was made to activate the Laboratoire self-destruct and encase the area in an impenetrable fast setting gel that would ensure that the destruction would finally be contained.

As you can imagine this has had a terrible impact on the operations of tgwmcm and it will take some time to construct a new Laboratoire.

announcement: calling time.

You may remember on Saturday I began the search for a  protégé  and my post box has been overflowing. If you haven't been contacted by my representative then unfortunately your CV just didn't cut the mustard. 

My Laboratoire has already begun the processing and analysing of the fluid samples that have been trickling in over the last few days, and with the exception of one individual trying to personally deliver their sample freshly through the letterbox which was embarrassing for all involved this has been an uneventful process. If you have yet to send in your sample then note it is intended for you to place it into a SEALED PLASTIC CONTAINER, I thought that was obvious but apparently some people did not comprehend this correctly. Dorris the Laboratoire secretary had quite a shock. We've had to place her on emotional leave and she will likely require many more months of therapy to fully recover. Worse of all the Laboratoire was closed for several days while a team of experts decontaminated the facility.

announcement: fire up the pope mobile.

I know everybody gets great joy from reading my posts, and who wouldn't? They are immensely clever, unbelievably witty, expertly crafted by a master in the art and most importantly resonate with my loyal readers.

But I have decided that it isn't fair for me to hog the limelight, and I am giving one very privileged reader the opportunity to collaborate with me on creating a moan in the near future. This will be a full moan including hand crafted artwork and of course a masterful series of words sculpted to produce maximum enjoyment.

The lucky reader will get to meet their idol, me (although I will of course obscure my identity much like The Stig), spend the day with me, have a light snack, present me with an idea and of course collaborate on the post.

There will be an extensive screening process consisting of phone interviews, and series of scavenger hunts that become increasingly more challenging and a final challenge that will require you to be dropped in the wilderness with only a Space Hopper and your wits to help you survive. If more than one person survives the final challenge a duel to the death will decide who emerges victorious.

I am accepting CVs from now (contact details are below) and will begin whittling down potential candidates in the coming weeks. Candidates that make it through the initial CV round will be required to provide samples of their bodily fluids which will be analysed in my Laboratoire to ensure their bodies contain the minimum threshold of Moan-i-Clorians.

Please email your CVs to;

youCouldBeLikeMe[at]tgwmcm.com

Alternatively via post;

Office of the CEO

Moan Towers

MO69 6MH

United Kingdom

anouncement: statistical anomaly

I thought it might be a good idea to post some statistics about my blog now that it has reached such an impressive milestone.

At the time of posting
88 posts
1071 views
The largest traffic source is AVForums.com with 111 followed closely by Facebook at 98.
epic failure is the biggest search term that brings people to tgwmcm with a grand total of 34
Despite my guidance Firefox is the most popular browser with 383 with Chrome following at 282
1 person apparently has the Image Shack Toolbar - I have no idea either.
The UK leads with 628 views followed by the U.S of A at 287.
Jan has apparently viewed the blog 4 times for that is the number of Netherlands readers.
Lithuania isn't even on the board, I think they get The Internet next year.
Windows leads the pack at 653.
And to the 17% of readers using a Mac I demand you stop reading my blog.
rotfl: blatant attempt to get more readers. is the most popular post with 83 views
One of my favourites bargains: money saving tip #1 is third with 32.
And finally, I've earned 1p in Adsense so just 5999 more until I get paid.




When you put it like that the whole thing seems rather pointless. Here's to the next 1000, maybe everything will have changed by then and all will be right with the world, although I wouldn't hold my breath.

announcement: cease and desist

The time has now passed to submit questions to the One Thousand View Question Answering Extravaganza and the required [read amended thank you very much individual that messed the whole thing up ;)] view count has now been reached. I will be spending the next few days collating, pondering, self indulging, procrastination, creating, dissecting, mastering&buttering, and if there is any time left answering your questions. So stay tuned for the griping finale and maybe you will get to see your question answered.


Did I forget to mention that those of you lucky enough to have your question answered will be charged a small administration fee, when I say small, I mean in comparison to the vast joy that you will receive by having your idol fulfil your very own request. This will automatically be taken from one of your accounts with no intervention required as I wouldn't want to inconvenience my loyal viewers.


TTFN.

announcement: self satisfying.

I'm appalled at the thoughts that have just raced through your minds - You disgust me.

Anyway, onwards and upwards.

This blog is approaching 1000 views, no you didn't misread, nearly 1000 reads of my ramblings have occurred across just over 70 musings. Although I think most of those views are by a single reader (you know who you are).

So, to celebrate I will be conducting a special Q&A that will be posted after the one-thousandth view and therefore require you to send in questions that I will grace with an answer.
Get thinking as you've probably got about 5 days before that magic 1000 is hit so I'm setting a cut-off date to Friday 13th April, the day seems particularly appropriate.

Send in your questions to superAdmin[at]tgwmcm.com (address obscured to foil those clever spam bots).

I won't be able to answer every question I receive, it will take me ages to answer all 3 of them, but I'll try my best.

anouncement: let it flow

Today a loyal reader of my blog, well let's face it the only reader of my blog, informed me that in order to post a comment you were required to have a Blogger account. Not wanting to hinder fellow citizens of the internet in complimenting me on my eloquence and congratulating me on my witty posts I have loosened the restrictions on posting comments to my blog. By loosen I mean completely remove, Joe Bloggs Anonymous can now comment anything on my posts. I of course maintain the power of veto and will unceremoniously remove any comments I disagree with. Areas of comment that will not be tolerated include;

1. Comments that do not start with the phrase 'Matthew, overlord of all that is great and forever my master I pose to you the following ...'
2. Comments that question my brilliance.
3. Comments that contain the phrases 'I disagree with you', 'I do not agree with your argument' 'You are incorrect/wrong/mistaken on this matter'. I will of course view the context in which the comment was made before deletion.
4. Comments that are wittier and/or more entertaining than the blog article that they relate to.

So baring this in mind, get commenting. I welcome any feedback so long as it is complimentary.

anouncement: reports of my death are greatly exaggerated

It has been a while since I updated this blog, and I have heard rumours that I am no longer alive. Some reports have involved large quantities of bananas and duct tape.
I can assure you that these reports are not true, and this post is being typed by myself, and not via some form of possession from 'The Other Side'.

The truth is that I have been working on my plans for world domination, and if you've ever worked on such plans yourself you will know how time consuming they can be. There are various conditions you must account for, and many contingency plans to ensure 'success criteria' is met. But I guarantee that the planning stage is nearly complete and you will soon see more activity, on May 2nd 2011 an early 'proof of concept' was performed which I can confirm was successful.

I hope that I can count on you to be discrete, I wouldn't want anybody to be forewarned of my plans.

anouncement: charity appeal 2011

In the 2011 UK budget George Osbourne announced a tax incentive that didn't get much media attention. In the event that you missed it I'll give a brief outline.

Under the new IHT rules, if you leave 10% of your estate to charity in your will, your relatives pay 10% less in Inheritance Tax. Not a bad deal when you think about it.

So today I am announcing the 2011 theguywhomoanscalledmatthew Charity to Help theguywhomoanscalledmatthew. I'm not saying I want all my readers to drop dead, but I am encouraging each of you to leave 10% of your estate to my new charity who's sole purpose is to help me :¬), because my woeful Adsense doesn't pay the bills. And while I am at it, click my bloody advertising links.

Then, if you were to have an 'accident' you can rest peacefully in the knowledge that you helped the less fortunate... ME.

In the event that you don't want to will your money to me (shame on you), then why not give some money to The  Dogs Trust, but not the Cat Protection League because cats are lame.

anouncement: they don't like it up 'em

Don't panic! I haven't gone away, but I have been incredibly busy  for a few weeks. Nothing has really annoyed me the last few days except that Google's 1.31 Google Checkout PHP files are full of bugs. But at least there is still Stuart Ashen's new BBC Comedy show 'Back Space' that I really advise you to check out. I've placed the first episode below, but I recommend that you click through for the rest (new episodes each Friday). Episode 2 is the best so far.

I know, there is nothing more annoying than when a blogger blows smoke up the @55 of another blogger (walks into coal-shed with shotgun slung over shoulder).

Well, I have to go and watch Psych, if you've not seen it before then watch the explanation below.