mini-moan: silver lining?

Firstly, this is post number 150. Big up The Guy Who Moans Called Matthew Massive!

So, I was perusing the Deli-counter at Waitrose, in fact I was the only person at the deli counter and about to purchase some items. But then, suddenly, swooping in like some sort of mad bat an old lady jumped in front of me to enquire about the location of pre-packed Salami. I thought this couldn't take more than a few seconds so didn't mention anything, though obviously I was boiling over with rage and eyeing up the cheese wire!
Then, to my amazement, a long conversation about various Salami available at the counter began, the next thing I know the counter assistant started slicing huge amounts of Salami. I stood there bewildered, was this an evolution of the 'Chat and Cut'? Literally a chat about Salami followed by cutting Salami.

Apparently during this outrageous behaviour by a member of the 'greatest generation' two women appeared at the counter looking at cheeses. This now fairly lengthy queue provoked a member of staff to jump into action and reduce the congestion that was now forming at the deli. Unaware of who was first in line (clue it was me) the assistant asked who was next, to my complete surprise one of the new arrivals chimed up "I'm next" to which I had to finally take exception.

Perhaps these 'cutters' were concerned that the 5 year matured cheddar might suddenly expire in the 5 minutes it would take for me to purchase some coleslaw, or that the Danish Blue would become a tad too mouldy for consumption?

daily life: words cost nothing

Being a thoughtful and kind individual I like to make my Laboratoire a comfortable and enjoyable place to be for the numerous Laboratoire staff. That's why the Laboratoire is home to a fine dining facility and a number of kitchens stocked with superb beverages and snacks, there are even refrigerators so Laboratoire staff can keep food and drinks from home safe, and if they choose to store butter in a Laboratoire fridge they can guarantee that it won't disappear.
But it turns out that the Laboratoire kitchen is not the safe and convenient storage facility that I hoped it would be and the 'Laboratoire Advanced Cleaning Crew' have a habit of removing food from the fridges and breaking peoples mugs and other beverage holders. Wander over to the Laboratoire kitchen and you will see an array of chipped and cracked mugs or Laboratoire employees sobbing as they clean up the shards of a mug that was lovingly crafted by one of their children as a thoughtful birthday gift.

Accidents happen, though it seems like the Laboratoire cleaners may have been sticking their fingers in the butter based on the regularity of them dropping things, but never once will they stick a post-it to the broken remains with a note of condolence. I remember once hearing a terrific noise and when I next went to retrieve my mug found that only 75% of it that remained on the mug shelf.
Ronnie Corbett would be spinning in his grave (and if you are reading this after June 9th 2014 he will be) to know that sorry seems so hard to say.

mini-moan: what ever happened to bus conductors?

Being a sad and lonely individual I have to cook for myself and with the price of ready meals for one being so high I often have to cook from scratch. So I scour the shelves of Waitrose, Tesco and the Co-Operative Eagle-eyed watching for the reduced labels so I can afford to buy the ingredients for my often bizarre and rarely edible creations.

Today it was time for a cut price prawn stir-fry and every time I use the wok I ask myself the following question;

What fecking idiot at the Central Design Institute for Advance Wok Design decided to construct the handles for my wok entirely out of metal?

I'm assuming that there must be some ludicrously named 'institute' for those that design woks, there's an institute for everything nowadays.
Perhaps I'm the only person in the world that noticed that metal conducts heat and that when cooking a stir fry heat is in abundance. Therefore handles that conduct heat combined with heat equals hot handles, and hot handles plus hands equals hot hands, and hot hands equals me shouting obscenities at the top of my voice.

politics: like an onion

I'm an incredibly opinionated individual and pretty stuck in my ways, but I like to think that those opinions don't do any real harm.
For example I don't like black shoes or white trainers, and I believe only w@nkers wear jeans with holes in them, but in the grand scheme of things these opinions don't do any harm.
What really gets my goat is when politicians and groups attempt to impose their views on a nation. I might not be a homosexual but does that mean I should seek political power with the intention of limiting gay rights? I'm  not a pregnant woman so I certainly shouldn't be able to make abortion illegal.
These people can have their opinions, if you don't feel abortion is right that's your opinion, but you cannot impose that view on others, you can't fight a political campaign and use the hatred of others to gain you political authority.
Perhaps democracy doesn't work because the world is a frightened and idiotic place?
I bet some of you out there think I am thinking of Mitt Romney or Republicans, and these comments are certainly applicable to a man that seems to have changed so many of his platforms in the hope of obtaining the US presidency. But it's more general than that, I think political power will always appeal to those wanting to impose their views, often extremist but not always. Joe Average couldn't give a crap and has no motivation to become Prime Minister, President or Chancellor because it's a lot of work, but for somebody that wants to enforce their views on others it sure is an attractive and rewarding aspiration.

Vote tgwmcm for President of the Earth.

mini-moan: take no for an answer.

I've just been completing an online survey for shirts and giggles. When you are as bored and lonely as me sometimes a radio button is your closest friend.
The first question presented asked whether I watched one of about 15 different sports, anybody that knows me will not be surprised to hear I never watch sports.
So having answered NO to every sport the following questions were displayed, they are not word for word accurate but close enough for the purposes of an internet moan.

What digital devices do you watch each sport on?
Obviously none as I've just said I watch know sports.
Then it asks

Which sports do you record to watch later?
None, I watch no sports.

Which of these devices do you use to compliment your viewing of sport?
NONE!!!
Followed by.

How important would each of these XBOX Live features be to enhancing your experience of watching sport?
Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Surely it isn't beyond our technology to analyse the response to the first question and selectively screen out subsequent questions that will just massively annoy the people you are hoping will complete your survey?

mini-moan: loose ends.

Buying new shoes really annoys me, I have a high instep and wide feet so it's a bit of a challenge to find shoes that fit comfortably, though that is more of an inconvenience than an annoyance. What really annoys me when buying shoes is that shoe factories are obviously staffed by morons that don't know how to lace up shoes. Every single pair of shoes on the shelves are laced backwards, half laced, or sometimes not even laced at all. So I have to spend 5 minutes re-lacing every pair of shoes before I try them on. When coupled with most shoes being uncomfortable I can lace up 5, 6 or more pair of shoes in a single fitting.

Surely the first question on the application form for working at a shoe factory should be 'Can you lace a pair of shoes?', and the very first task at the shoe factory recruitment day should be a practical shoe lacing session.

Yet it seems this is not the case, perhaps shoe factories demand that their staff incorrect lace shoes during manufacture, but any self-respecting human would sooner go hungry than be forced to incorrectly lace thousands of shoes in their lifetime, so by science I can conclude shoe factories are indeed staff by morons or worshippers of Satan.

Special Event: so there you have it.

It's sure hasn't been fun these last few years has it? There's been rotten fruit on the back seat of cars parked badly outside a branch of the Halifax. Silly shaped cucumbers too large or too small to fill a hole. There have been strings and sacks that just won't stay together and special guests that never turned up. Computers that just don't work and toxic events that resulted in a massive relocation. Don't even get me started on the meaty feasts that turned out not to be.

So how am I going to punctuate all of this and mark over 2000 views of my blog? Then what am I going to do for my 150th post (this is number 144). The answer is pretty much nothing, I've run out of steam. Yes there are things that are sure to annoy me over the coming days, weeks or months, but the longer I go on the less I can be bothered.

It just seems a bit pointless at the moment.