daily life: square hole

The new Laboratoire is nearing completion and alongside high technology such as the Photon-Fabulator and Electro-Knobulation machine, all vital to the daily operation of The Laboratoire, a fleet of new toilets have been installed.
But today I was trying out one of the new toilets and noticed that the toilet seat was square. Perhaps being from another world I am anatomically different from most, but my posterior is more round than square, I'd go as far as to say it isn't square in any way. As a result trying to sit my round plug on the square hole was a deeply unpleasant and uncomfortable few minutes, and it definitely failed to provide the appropriate amount of purchase often required when carrying out the numerous activities a toilet seat is accustomed to.
It has me wondering what bizarrely shaped derrière the toilet seat designer must have had. What shop sells trousers that fit a square backside? Are they able to sit on a futon? Do they use specially manufactured round toilet paper?

daily life: can't get it out

I'm not an expert screwer, I probably only screw a few times a year, Christmas generally involves some screwing. Screwing is hard enough, but it's made all the worse when the previous screwer has left behind a shattered mess.
How difficult is it to look after the head while screwing? It is after all the most important part of any screw, you need to care for the head, touch it gently, definitely don't apply too much pressure, and if you go too fast the head just explodes in your face and the whole thing will be an exercise in futility.

Remember, when you screw be gentle with the head.

mini-moan: a good hump

You are probably still wondering where the epic post is, I assure you it is merely stuck in a puddle and will dry out soon.

I've got the hump with humps. Everywhere I go I'm getting humped, regularly 5 or more humps in the space of a few minutes, it's leaving me tired and it's certainly not doing my backside any favours. For the love of my bottom give me a break from the humping!
So I get to my local Tesco Extra after being humped to within an inch of my life, now I've got to manoeuvre into a really tight space and while trying not to scratch the sides I get humped from behind... they'd only gone and put a hump in front of the parking bay.

mini-moan: it's gone everywhere

This post skirts around the issue of false advertising in a way, more precisely product labelling.

Today I decided to have some pickled red cabbage with my tea and opened a new jar of a brand I had never previously purchased. This wasn't some cheap Tesco value or even Waitrose Essential product, no this was the good stuff by Garners (well the hefty price implied it was good).

So I whacked the lid with a spoon as years of idleness has left me weak, feeble and barely capable of opening the jar. I stuck in my fork, pulled it out, and to my dismay there were but a few scrawny pieces of cabbage. Bewildered by this I once again stuck in my fork and stirred expecting resistance, I'm use to resistance when I stick it in, but there was none and it became clear that my jar of pickled cabbage was more pickled than cabbage, by which I mean mostly vinegar.

So I wondered, legally what proportion of the jar actually has to be cabbage in order to label it as pickled cabbage? Based on my experience it should have been labelled vinegar with a cabbage ganish!

Logically it would need to be at the minimum 51% cabbage so the majority of the jar was cabbage, but the experts at The Laboratoire Condiments and Accompaniments department, who also dabble in Preserves, Conserves and Pickles and are the only individuals in the world that actually know the difference between a Preserve and a Conserve, assure me that this was not the case.

Therefore Garners pickled red cabbage does not get TheGuyWhoMoansCalledMatthew seal of quality.

announcement: good with hands

Christmas is just around the corner so it is the perfect time to launch a new product from The Laboratoire.
For those of you that have friends and loved ones that you wish would just go away you can give them a present that says 'Please never speak to me again, I clearly don't like you!'.
Inspired by the fad of giving people $h17 that they will never actually see such as a plot of land on the moon, a distant star or a herd of Reindeer I've launched my own scam heart warming appeal.

You, that's right, you, can now 'Adopt a Laboratoire', for just £50 you can help keep The Laboratoire turning out life shortening enhancing inventions and insightful critiques at semi-random intervals. In return for your donation you'll receive a unique and custom made gift pack which you can present to your beloved on Christmas day detailing the wonderful work carried out at The Laboratoire and a signed* photograph of The Laboratoire** in a beautiful presentation box***

For illustrative purposes only

* Signature of some random tramp we gave a half eaten Turkey sandwich.
** Photograph illustrative of The Laboratoire.
*** Stocks of the presentation box are limited and may be substituted for an envelope that has been used as a coaster.

mini-moan: man is a many layered beast.

As requested by John I have corrected the number of apostrophes in this post

The final touches are still being made to the epic post, so here is a mini moan to help ease the pain.

You may know Im not the biggest fan of Waitrose product's and thi's i's never more so than when it comes to their fruit. But occasionally Waitrose produce's an edible, if insanely priced product such as it's Party Croissants.
These delectable's are in packs of 12 containing 2 flavour's, the deliciou's mushroom and the mediocre ham. So by now you are wondering what the purpose of this post is. Have I purchased share's in Waitrose and this i's an attempt to increase my wealth? Idiot, Waitrose doesn't have share's.
No, the problem i's with the packaging, you see these two different varietie's are each packaged in a plastic tray, and these two tray's are layered one atop the other, with the more deliciou's mushroom cream filled one's at the bottom. Annoyingly, layered in such a way that all of the croissant's on the bottom layer become stuck to the underside of the plastic tray on the upper layer, often falling onto the floor whilst the upper layer is lifted free of its plastic film.
ARGH!!!
It seem's that whilst mankind has mastered the art of filling tiny pastrie's with flavoured creamy goo, it has not yet mastered the art of placing a piece of cardboard between two plastic tray's, or even better moulding plastic protrusion's into the lower tray which lift's the upper layer slightly above the creamy goodne's's.

announcement: fasten your trousers.

I'm currently bunkered down in The Laboratoire working on an insightful post that is sure to make you re-evaluate your life and question every choice you've ever made. Such a post takes time to congeal so to keep your juices from bursting out at an inappropriate time I've included an extract of that which will be unveiled at some future point.

So fasten your trousers.

... masochistically ...

WOW!  Bet you just exploded, and that's just a very small sample of what is to come.