entertainment - 5 bands you probably never heard of that are better than 'the script'

There's no denying that 'Danny from The Script' is hot, who wouldn't want a nibble of that sausage? Teenage girls and boys up and down the country might fantasize about him 'popping their cherry' in ways that are far too graphic for the internet (even that corner you sometimes head to in your darkest moments), but behind those dreamy eyes there's very little happening.

So if there are more important things for you than a 'rocking bod' check out these guys.

Up 16 places at

Number 5 - Birdeatsbaby
A Dark Cabaret ensemble from Brighton riding high as their Kickstarter funded third album just released - There definitely isn't a photo of me in the album sleeve!
They've been through a few line-up changes over the years but Mishkin is still there and Mishkin is the bird that eats the baby? If you fancy whipping up a sing-song during your next BDSM session then 'Miserable' has you covered. Self-gratification your bag? Then get some 'Jim' in your ears. 'What the Water Gave Me', you'll have to decide what that's about! There is a reason it's called Dark Cabaret, Liza Minnelli isn't doing this on Broadway.

Down 67 places at
Number 4 - Die Mannequin
Punk? Post Punk? Rock? Alternative? Genres are so 2001 and where we are going we won't need no genres. Caroline Kawa - known by her stage name of Care Failure is Die Mannequin. Die Mannequin isn't a band it's a whom. Do you like songs written about 18th century french literature? You do? What's wrong with you? Fortunately Die Mannequin has you covered with 'Candide'. Their's some 'fruity' language in 'Miss Americvnt', and the best season to be a Cannibal is clearly Autumn.

Holding firm at
Number 3 - The Beatsteaks
Everybody loves German Punk Rock, so it's a complete mystery why this band is so obscure. Fortunately The Beatsteaks quickly realised they weren't going to Launch(ed) their career with that choice of genre and went comparatively mainstream. There's no need to crack out the German to English dictionary, they sing almost entirely in English and hilarity ensues when 'Crazy Eye Guy' gets going - I hear Jane made him insane

It's just you at
Number 2 - Metric
By far the most mainstream on this list, they wrote a song for the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack titled 'Black Sheep', take that 'Danny From The Script'.
Lyrics focusing quite often on war, corruption and inequality, but who cares about all that because Emily's skirts are as short as her legs are amazing. The second, but far from last Canadian group on this list, Canada is where the battle of the bands is at.

Firstly and finally at
Number 1 - The Birthday Massacre
TBM as it's affectionately known - Rainbow writes the songs, Chibbi sings and the rest hang about on the ceiling during the video for 'Blue' (not to be confused with 'Red', 'Black' or 'Violet'). Most of the band look in need of a hearty meal, but Chibbi's got it going-on!
If you are a Vampire Freak you'll know TBM, granted that's quite a niche following. Yet another Canadian offering, so sadly you can't see them over the 'Weekend', but you can always peer through the 'Looking Glass'.
Industrial Collective is probably a way to describe them, but words can do no justice so just head over to PledgeMusic and back their next album and you'll no longer be living 'In the dark'.

Next time on tgwmcm - 69 uses for Paella you never thought of

mini-moan: paro-illegal.

This moan has been brought to the surface after sitting through 80 minutes of vulgarity branded as 'humour' which is the film 'Stan Helsing' and I certainly wouldn't advise anybody to be as foolish as I by watching it.

The 2000s saw a boom in parody films which has thankfully slowed but has far from halted. Since 'Scary Movie 2' we all became rather sick of it and for every gem such as 'Meet the Spartans' that was released you had to also suffer through an 'Epic Movie' or worst of all a 'Dance Movie' (I only managed 30 minutes of that one).

When the parody is more pathetic and far less entertaining than the terrible film(s) it was meant to be mocking you should draw a line under the whole experiment and move on with your life. Can we please stop with the parody films before they start making awful parody films of terrible parody films?

mini-moan: life of a single man

Do you remember back in the day when alongside a music album selected tracks would be sold singly and played on radio stations and have music videos made for them? And do you remember that these single songs released from the album would also have extra tracks not available on the album as a way to encourage you to buy them because if it was just the same as the album why wouldn't you just buy the album?

Well if you do remember that then you are one of the few because no longer do singles contain additional tracks, or if they do they contain a 'Radio Edit'. Why the feck would I want to pay money to hear a track already on the album I've purchased and then an edited and butchered version of that same track? The answer is that nothing would ever make me want to do that.

Take Muse's Plug In Baby single from their 2001 album Origin Of Symmetry. It contains the following tracks.

1. Plug In Baby
2. Nature_1
3. Execution Commentary
4. Spiral Static
5. Bedroom Acoustics

Now look at their Undisclosed Desires single from their 2009 album The Resistance. It contains.

1. Undisclosed Desires
2. Undisclosed Desires Radio Edit.

I know which I'd sooner purchase.

entertainment: make it stop, for the love of god please make it stop.

Some time ago, in the distant times known as the past I posted about all the television programmes that were unceremoniously cancelled during their prime. But there is another group of television programmes, I like to call them the 'How the feck is this show still going' programmes. Below are a few examples of such shows.

Strictly Come Dancing
X-Factor
Britains Got Talent
Doctor Who
Sanctuary
A Town Called Eurkea/Eureka (Yes I know it is now cancelled but it took 5 years)
Warehouse 13
Doctors (that daytime TV show about a doctors surgery on BBC1 during the daytime)
Hollyoaks
Any soap opera
60 minute makeover
The One Show

And these are just the ones I can remember at the moment.

I propose to any TV executive a new system to use when deciding whether to cancel or renew a TV show. I call this the 'Would tgwmcm bitch about this on his blog?' technique. Basically, if your decision results in me arbitrarily posting nonsense on a blog that nobody reads then your decision is wrong. Perhaps you could first email me a list of all shows you are planning to renew or cancel and I will then return to you a tgwmcm approved list of shows to be renewed and cancelled. My rates are very reasonable and I guarantee that your  output will be liked by 100% of viewers that work for http://www.theguywhomoanscalledmatthew.blogspot.com

entertainment: haters gonna hate.

'Haters Gonna Hate', it's one of the oldest memes on the internet. What really riles me up is the haters always hating on one of my favourite bands, Muse. They aren't my favouritist (yeah I know it isn't a word) band, but they are certainly up there and conveniently forgetting 'The Resistance' have made some of the most perfect albums in recent history with Absolution containing some of my all time favourite tracks.
Yet utter the phrase 'I really like Muse' or 'Muse are one of my favourite bands' and you'll be swept away by a torrent of 'They're a wanna be Radiohead' or 'All of their songs are the same', yada yada yada.
Often these same people will then say 'The Black-eyed Peas are awesome', well they're not, The Black-eyed Peas are absolutely terrible, they are an abomination and anybody showing even a casual or cursory appreciation of them should be strung up by the dangly bits.
I get the obvious irony of complaining about the haters hating on Muse, but you are ignoring the simple fact, I am always right. If I say The Black-eyed Peas are terrible and Muse are awesome that is a FACT, indisputable, undeniable, FACT. Have The Black-eyed Peas written anything close to Time is Running Out, The Small Print, Knights Of Cydonia, Stockholm Syndrome, Darkshines or Sober. So they have Fergie strutting around provocatively, don't get me wrong I have nothing wrong with scantily clad ladies gyrating in front of me, but that doesn't mean their songs aren't shite.

So all you haters out their, redirect your hate onto a worthy target, The Black-eyed Peas, and leave Muse in peace. At the very least ask for Absolution.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ck6Hcg2cjk&ob=av3e

entertainment: socially akward

This post is probably going to be a bit of a nonsensical ramble over several topics. So let's first start where it all began.

Chuck, the TV Series, is meant to portray the bumbling of a Mr Bean-esque Nerd who ends up as a spy. But if Chuck is a Nerd then I'm the Pope, and now Chuck can solve all of his problems with 'magic' (that well known trick for solving an impossible situation caused by inept writers) he is less Nerdy than ever. I wont even get started on his Australian girlfriend and her 10" heels.

I like to think of myself as a bit of a Nerd, maybe not 'Revenge of the Nerds' level, but I think I have a few of the classic characteristics.

MovieBob did an interesting video about what defined a Nerd in the past and how people selectively apply the label to suit their needs. It's an interesting watch even though it isn't one of his best videos.
I don't really mind it when nerds are caricatured as spotty, socially inept, cowardly, loners but what does annoy me is when square jawed, gel haired, 6ft, glossy toothed individuals are claimed to be 'Nerds'. 
The Big Bang Theory is just within the levels of acceptability in this instance largely due to the exceptionally funny Sheldon who manages to counter balance the fact that Leonard clearly isn't Nerdy enough.


So I'll finish this post the way any true Nerd would

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise

technology: a series of tubes.

It seems that everybody is watching TV on the internet. It is being sold as a convenient way to watch anything at any time. This is of course a lie, it's actually a fantastic way for broadcasters to mitigate PVRs and cut costs.
I record practically everything I watch, much of it in HD. Broadcasters hate this because HD is expensive to produce, edit and then distribute. Secondly, they hate that I can fast forward all the adverts. Broadcasters aren't making these shows as a charity, they are getting money from advertisers which has been dwindling because TV advertising is less effective than ever.

But enter the internet, this provides a cheap way to send sub-standard resolution video to you and it also prevents you fast forwarding the adverts. You try skipping the adverts on 4oD, you can't. So the broadcasters can prove how many people are watching their adverts and therefore charge more to the advertisers, and because the quality of streamed video is often far below broadcast they save a fortune.

So next time you think that the broadcasters are doing you a favour by letting you stream their shows, just remember that you are doing exactly what they want you to do.

entertainment: he did the mash

Vampires have been a common staple in films and television for a while now, yet very few have actually read Bram Stokers Dracula, which although not the first account of vampyre, is essentially the Alpha although certainly not the Omega.

But watching True Blood or those god awful Twilight films you wouldn't even know that they were based around vampyre. The most recent series of True Blood has introduced some stupid plot with Werewolves and Vampire Kings and all manner of :censored:

Can we just put an end to all this vampire nonsense?
Mark my word, next series of True Blood it will be revealed that vampires built the pyramids as landing pads for their space ships as they are actually aliens from the Vampirous Nebula. Actually, I think I could go for that Stargate slash True Blood crossover. If you are reading this HBO I accept Cheques or Credit Card.

Armstrong and Miller did a series of parodies about how vampires have evolved in media, the first of which I have posted below.

entertainment: Son of a Preacher Man

I'm all for ensuring children grow up to become moral adults who know right from wrong. But I am getting a tad annoyed by all the preaching and 'high horsery' that is so prevalent on TV and film at the moment.

At the start of every Star Wars: The Clone Wars episode they flash up some moral nonsense along the lines of

"You hold onto friends by keeping your heart a little softer than your head."[src]

How on earth is a 4 year old even going to understand that anyway? I'm not even sure I do. We've got to a point where toddlers are being versed in Plato to teach them that stealing is wrong. All I needed was Postman Pat not stealing the post, now he flies around in his Royal Mail issued Helicopter, or his Royal Mail Hovercraft. How many DVDs did he pilfer to pay for that I ask you?

I've just put my down payment on a theguywhomoanscalledmatthew branded Stealth Bomber.

entertainment: AYBABTU

I often watch subtitled films, often a subtitled Chinese film is much more entertaining than anything Hollywood produces, and being literate I don't mind a bit of reading.
But there lies the problem, I am literate so I can read the subtitles, unfortunately it seem that the people writing the subtitles aren't quite so literate.

I'm the first to admit that I can't learn foreign languages, and hats off to anybody that can string a sentence together in English if that isn't their first language. This certainly isn't a rant about foreign speakers. It is a rant about proof readers, Quality Assurance .etc.

How is it that a film can be translated into English, presumably proof read, copied into the subtitles on the film, proof read again, screened to the Director and Producer, screened to the big wigs at a Movie Studio, screened to a Test Audience, released to cinema, released to video, released to TV broadcasters, and at no point does anybody notice the spelling or grammatical errors. Somewhere, in that very long line of people, somebody would say 'Hmm, that sentence doesn't make any sense at all'.

But obviously that doesn't happen. At best it is height-larry-house, at worst it ruins the film.

entertainment: creamy.

Every company wants to find a 'cash cow', a product or franchise that they can milk for years with increasing profits for very little creative expense.
Movie studios have just emerged from several decades of franchise milking, although the practice is still going strong, we are seeing a bit more creativity as consumers become tired of Saw XXIV and Friday the 13th part 87. The trend has lately been to 'reboot' tired franchises with very little success, and studios are realising that change is required, unfortunately that means adding 3D to the end of a title.

But where the film industry leads, the games industry follows behind by about 10 years, so we are midway through a long drink from the franchise cow. Lately you may have played Guitar Hero 15, Call of Duty 34 and Resident Evil 123. Just days ago Ubisoft, a publisher that has been very restrained in the franchise milking, announced it would be releasing Assassins Creed games on a yearly cycle.

Ranting continues after the break;

entertainment: So 1970s

Anybody that saw J. J. Abrams re-imagine of Star Trek would have left the cinema with permanent eye damage due to the most ridiculous levels of Camera Flare (now you get the post title). Even Abrams admitted it was 'ridiculous' that they were deliberately shining torches at the camera to create flare.
Star Trek may have been a pioneer in the field of flare, but it certainly wasn't the dead-end it should have been, and flare has quickly replaced grey/blue filters in ruining films. Most recently an episode of the BBC's awful 'Outcasts' got in on the action which is what sparked this rant.

But at least you've found a use for that 3D TV you wasted money on, the polarised glasses are perfect eye protection.

Camera flare seems to be completely counter to everything film/television has been working towards lately. HD was introduced to give you the 'clearest' pictures, and now 3D is meant to be 'immersive', but all Camera Flare does is ruin the picture and make it obvious that you are looking through a lens. The blue line in Raiders of the Lost Ark has haunted both Lucas and fans for years, but now I can only imagine a director would be impressed at how authentic it looks.

I think you can all agree that this iconic scene is so much better with a liberal camera flare.

entertainment: finish your lightbulbs.

I've never personally heard anodised aluminium making a noise, but I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be a horrible screeching sound even during the hottest part of the smelting process.

So why does Metal refer to music ruined by screeching. Eyes Set To Kill are a perfect example of this, the lyrics aren't bad, and the female vocals are pretty good, but then you have the 'scream vocalist'. I'm not sure how you can ever describe screaming like you've just been kicked in the gonads as a 'vocal', although if someone kicked me in the man fruits I'd be pretty vocal about it.

The brilliant thing is that the guy ruined his voice by their second album, at which point they should have realised that perhaps screaming should be phased out in the 3rd album, but no, they find another volunteer to 'lend their vocal talents'. An example of these light bulb munchers ruining music is below for your 'pleasure'

I wonder if the US military have ever considered releasing a CD of their 'Enhanced Interrogations', I imagine they could get some pretty good 'Scream Vocals' after a session at Guantanamo Bay.

If, for some bizarre reason you'd like to buy their first album follow this link, I believe I get money if you do ;¬)

Entertainment: Hit me with your pricing stick.

Shock horror, some people in this world still buy CDs, and I am proud to say that I am one of those individuals. CDs are brilliant and compared to an MP3 much better value for money, that is unless you want to purchase a CD not endorsed by Simon Cowel. If the artist you listen to did not win Britain's Got the X Factor Strictly Dancing on the Stars it is a completely different matter.

While browsing Amazon the other day for some CDs I came across the following insane prices.

Jakalope: Things That Go Jump In The Night £28

Flyleaf: Remember To Live EP £17


Mankind is Obsolete: Rise £17

Die Mannequin: FINO + BLEED £24



This is just insane. And I will finish with my favourite Jakalope video.

entertainment: The voices

I recently watched The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: The Movie. The film isn't very good which is what I expected, but can someone explain to me why all the Persians had British accents. I can understand that the core actors were British, but why did Jake Gyllenhaal that well known AMERICAN have to put on an English accent. To be fair it wasn't a bad accent, I just have no clue why they felt it was necessary.

I can only presume that Disney felt the audience would confuse the film for an episode of 24 and start hoping Jack Bauer would turn up and kick some Terrorist arse.