entertainment: Some say I'm crazy for my love

Over the years I have watched much television, and during this time there have been a few programmes that burned twice as bright for half as long. In fact, any time I enjoy a programme it is snatched away from me and I would like to dedicate this post to all those shows that died early.
In no particular order.

Andromeda (Rommie has to be one of the best Sci-Fi characters ever!)
Stargate Atlantis (Better than SG1 in many respects)
Caprica
Stargate Universe (Suffered BSG clone syndrome)
Over There
Dirty Sexy Money (Much better than Ugly Betty)
Enterprise (I know what you are saying, but we've had no Star Trek for 5 years now)
Farscape
Threshold (Didn't even survive the first series)
The Riches (Eddie Izzard was actually watchable!)
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (How did Joey survive longer than this?)
Firefly
Arrested Development
Better Off Ted
The Newsroom
Flashforward (How did this get cancelled?)
Hyperdrive
Supernova
E-Ring (Didn't survive the first season and finished an a ridiculous cliffhanger)
Eastwick (Surprisingly watchable)
The Class (Better than Friends?)
Dollhouse (The curse of Whedon strikes again)
Trauma (Take a note BBC, this is how Casualty should be done)
Flight of the Chonchords


and for my mum Moonlight (she fancied the vampire guy).

Special mention to King of the Hill which lasted 13 years before cancellation. Much better than Family Guy.

There are probably plenty of other shows that I have forgotten, and with the death of each Sci-Fi show the genre has dwindled on TV with SyFy (what a stupid name) failing to fill the gaps left by the big networks.

Let's all take a moment for solemn reflection.

politics: Bob crows - nobody listens.

I'm not a fan of trade unions, and the RMT 'General Secretary' Bob Crow is top of my hate list. He has spouted some nonsense over the years, but recently he has a new plan to make money.
Bob Crow wants to charge you for every email you send, and I am not making this up. You can hear this 'plan' during an interview on the Channel 4 show '10 o'clock Live'.
Go to about 31 minutes for his interview.

But what he didn't explain was that 1p per email was just an starting point and the new system operates on a sliding scale, I have the full details below.

Base charge:
Standard Email - 300 characters with an additional 100 characters as embedded links. Email headers not included in character count : £0.01

Extras.
Additional 200 characters of text: £0.01.
Additional 200 characters as embedded links: £0.02.
HTML email surcharge: £0.03.
Images - per 10kb of image: £0.05.
Images - Up to 500kb of images maximum of 5 images: £0.50.
Including a picture of Equine: £0.75.

Pornography - Pornographic content surcharge: £1.
Medication - Advertisement for medications surcharge: £0.50.
Humorous - Humorous content surcharge: £0.20.

High Priority - High Priority Flag set: £2.
Low Priority - Additional 50 characters included in Standard Email allowance.

International Rates:
Sending to EU country: Additional £0.10.
Sending outside of EU: Additional £0.50.

Discounts and additional charges:
Weekdays:
02:00 - 05:59: 20% discount
09:00 - 17:30: Additional 30% (minimum of 1p)
17:31 - 22:00: Additional 10% (minimum of 1p)

Weekends:
Saturday 15:00 - 18:00: 10% discount.
All day Sunday: 45% discount.


Lets work out how much this email would cost.

Dear Mr Crow,
You are clearly a lunatic with an inferiority complex. You feel threatened by anybody that is more intelligent than yourself, or who has achieved more through their own hard work. We can only hope that you don't believe the nonsense that you spout, and that you only make these ludicrous comments to gain media attention and just to convince yourself that you are important. If you really do believe the drivel that you spout then I have to worry that you could ever be elected to such a powerful position in any society. Please get of your high horse

 Sincerely,
               theguywhomoanscalledmatthew


Assuming standard priority the above email sent at 8pm would cost 1p for the Standard email, plus 2p more for exceeding 300 characters The picture of a horse incurs a 75p charge, plus 50p because it is 140kb. There is an additional 20p because the email is humorous, and another £1 because that is one sexy horse. Finally we have an extra 3p for sending at 8pm

So the total cost is ~£2.51.

Nice one Bob Crow, you just made the poor poorer.

entertainment: AYBABTU

I often watch subtitled films, often a subtitled Chinese film is much more entertaining than anything Hollywood produces, and being literate I don't mind a bit of reading.
But there lies the problem, I am literate so I can read the subtitles, unfortunately it seem that the people writing the subtitles aren't quite so literate.

I'm the first to admit that I can't learn foreign languages, and hats off to anybody that can string a sentence together in English if that isn't their first language. This certainly isn't a rant about foreign speakers. It is a rant about proof readers, Quality Assurance .etc.

How is it that a film can be translated into English, presumably proof read, copied into the subtitles on the film, proof read again, screened to the Director and Producer, screened to the big wigs at a Movie Studio, screened to a Test Audience, released to cinema, released to video, released to TV broadcasters, and at no point does anybody notice the spelling or grammatical errors. Somewhere, in that very long line of people, somebody would say 'Hmm, that sentence doesn't make any sense at all'.

But obviously that doesn't happen. At best it is height-larry-house, at worst it ruins the film.

technology: echo "Hello World"

This post has been sparked by two things.
Firstly, a brilliantly funny video from LoadingReadyRun.
Secondly, the most pointless device I have ever seen.

It is vogue to despise Microsoft because they are an evil corporation that is destroying competition, as a result more and more companies are turning to 'Open Source' solutions as a way to save licensing and attract the 'trendy' market who want to lord it over their Windows using friends because they run 'teh linux'.
But as netbooks sales are falling manufacturers need more  devices to run linux. That sentence just went on forever.

Enter Linux phones, and I am not talking about Android. Motorola have hailed in a new device that can run a full linux distribution. But how can you run Linux on a 2" screen with no buttons or mouse, you can't it just isn't possible, so to get around this Motorola will sell you a laptop which you plug your Linux powered phone into.

When you have to do this to make your device run Linux it's time to give up on the idea, when your phone looks like this you might as well just carry around a laptop. It's the complete opposite of convergence.

entertainment: creamy.

Every company wants to find a 'cash cow', a product or franchise that they can milk for years with increasing profits for very little creative expense.
Movie studios have just emerged from several decades of franchise milking, although the practice is still going strong, we are seeing a bit more creativity as consumers become tired of Saw XXIV and Friday the 13th part 87. The trend has lately been to 'reboot' tired franchises with very little success, and studios are realising that change is required, unfortunately that means adding 3D to the end of a title.

But where the film industry leads, the games industry follows behind by about 10 years, so we are midway through a long drink from the franchise cow. Lately you may have played Guitar Hero 15, Call of Duty 34 and Resident Evil 123. Just days ago Ubisoft, a publisher that has been very restrained in the franchise milking, announced it would be releasing Assassins Creed games on a yearly cycle.

Ranting continues after the break;

daily life: DIY banking.

As a British Tax-payer you own a piece of several large banks in the UK, including the Lloyds group that own Halifax. You might think that gives you a certain level of respect when you visit a branch, but Halifax have decided that because you own the bank that means you should actually be working behind the counter.

Yesterday I went to my local Halifax branch (there are other banking institutions available) to withdraw some money, and pay-in some money. After 10 minutes in a ludicrously long queue I was at a cashiers window and made my request. In a very abrupt and rude tone the cashier asked 'Have you filled in a withdrawal slip?'. Having no clue what she was on about I answered 'No, I have not', to which she responded, 'We have a new policy, you have to fill in a slip and then hand it to us, go over there and fill this in while I serve some customers'.

I was not best pleased with this, but I duly filled in the slip that previously was filled in by the cashier. I made a smart remark about how I was doing the cashiers job now and she mumbled something.

When I returned to the window I was told that by filling in the slip myself I was benefiting from new services, now 'Cheques clear faster and I can make bill payments'. The cashier then proceeded to type in the details I had been forced to write on the paper into her computer terminal. What the hell, if you are still going to type the details in then what is the point in making me write my sort code .etc. on a piece of paper.

She mumbled again about how filling in the slip myself will magically make my cheques clear faster to which I nodded because explaining that this is nothing to do with their 'new' process which they ripped straight from the 1940s would be fruitless.

When internet banking was introduced about 15 years ago the concept was that by banking yourself, at home, you saved the bank money and they duly rewarded you with higher interest rates. But now banks have taken this too far, next time I walk into my local Halifax branch somebody will probably hand me a name badge and a uniform.

The Halifax logo is a registered trademark which I do not own.

daily life: when I'm sixty-four.

Getting older is just a fact of life, and no matter how much you spend you can't halt the ageing process. You can take a bath in Oil of Olay and drink 4 pints of Actimel every day, but you are still going to die and I have come to terms with that. 

But what I am not planning to do is die bald, so imagine my horror when I look in the mirror to find my hairline has receded by a good inch since my last Birthday and I've got more than a few white hairs, I've skipped straight past grey to white.

At this rate of decomposition, by next Wednesday its going to take Trevor Eve and Sue Johnson wearing 7 types of Haz-Mat suite to suck up the sludgy mess that is my remains with a Wet 'n' Dry.

Maybe its all the moaning I do, perhaps this blog is sending me to an early grave. But I'm still willing to cut short my promising life to keep it going. But if you haven't heard from me in a week you will have to find yourself a new Messiah and I recommend Stuart Ashen who has somehow survived a deluge of tat, or Charlie Brooker who's current show 'How TV Ruined Your Life' is keeping me entertained in my final hours.

You should also check out the rest of the Aspirations episode if you haven't already.

entertainment: So 1970s

Anybody that saw J. J. Abrams re-imagine of Star Trek would have left the cinema with permanent eye damage due to the most ridiculous levels of Camera Flare (now you get the post title). Even Abrams admitted it was 'ridiculous' that they were deliberately shining torches at the camera to create flare.
Star Trek may have been a pioneer in the field of flare, but it certainly wasn't the dead-end it should have been, and flare has quickly replaced grey/blue filters in ruining films. Most recently an episode of the BBC's awful 'Outcasts' got in on the action which is what sparked this rant.

But at least you've found a use for that 3D TV you wasted money on, the polarised glasses are perfect eye protection.

Camera flare seems to be completely counter to everything film/television has been working towards lately. HD was introduced to give you the 'clearest' pictures, and now 3D is meant to be 'immersive', but all Camera Flare does is ruin the picture and make it obvious that you are looking through a lens. The blue line in Raiders of the Lost Ark has haunted both Lucas and fans for years, but now I can only imagine a director would be impressed at how authentic it looks.

I think you can all agree that this iconic scene is so much better with a liberal camera flare.

technology: a fool and their money.

With so much jargon bandied about these days it is easy for organisations with purely financial interests to extort money from the clueless. The technology market is probably the best case of such activity, with companies and magazines preying on the ignorant with massive financial rewards.
What Hi-Fi are notorious for ridiculous reviews with the sole purpose of keeping advertisers happy, and the infamous Denon Link  which is nothing more than a $500 Cat 5 cable is a prime example.
I thought I had seen everything, but whilst reading this thread (which I suggest you check out) I came across some hilarious products of which I will detail just a few.

Firstly, the Russ Andrews 'Audio Desk', that claims to improve the quality of your CD audio and DVD video by cutting a massive grove in the disc. The last thing any sane person would do is cut a massive chunk out of a DVD spinning at hundreds of RPM.
Another Russ Andrews product is a CD cleaner that can magically make your favourite artist sing better. Through the power of magic this cleaner can modify the data encoded on your CD to make listening to Björk even better.


There is so much of this crud that I can't mention it all, in future I'll try to collect together a more definitive list. But before I leave you I'll just give you a link to an investigation the Advertising Standard Agency are conducting into Russ Andrews, they must be waiting for a new delivery of Chappie.

entertainment: finish your lightbulbs.

I've never personally heard anodised aluminium making a noise, but I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be a horrible screeching sound even during the hottest part of the smelting process.

So why does Metal refer to music ruined by screeching. Eyes Set To Kill are a perfect example of this, the lyrics aren't bad, and the female vocals are pretty good, but then you have the 'scream vocalist'. I'm not sure how you can ever describe screaming like you've just been kicked in the gonads as a 'vocal', although if someone kicked me in the man fruits I'd be pretty vocal about it.

The brilliant thing is that the guy ruined his voice by their second album, at which point they should have realised that perhaps screaming should be phased out in the 3rd album, but no, they find another volunteer to 'lend their vocal talents'. An example of these light bulb munchers ruining music is below for your 'pleasure'

I wonder if the US military have ever considered releasing a CD of their 'Enhanced Interrogations', I imagine they could get some pretty good 'Scream Vocals' after a session at Guantanamo Bay.

If, for some bizarre reason you'd like to buy their first album follow this link, I believe I get money if you do ;¬)

daily life: in my day.

Older members of society often make wild statements like 'In my day things were built to last' and 'In my day we took more pride in our work'. Basically, take any product, food, activity, prefix it with 'In my day' and you instantly become 70.

But 'In my day TVs were built to last', but that day has passed. Less than 3 years ago I upgraded to a very expensive, flagship Sony TV, which after fewer than 2 years now produces pictures  like this.

And I am not alone, it seems that every Sony model from 2007, ranging from the flagship X series, to the humble V series suffer a variety of issues with the T-CON board reducing the HD quality images to a mangled mess, but at least it obscures Louie Spence's prancing about. 

Understandably Sony UK does not acknowledge this T-CON board issue because that would mean thousands of sets would have to be replaced free of charge costing millions, but the real kicker is Sony USA do admit the fault. Is a bit of consistent douchiness too much to ask for.

I'm usually the first to criticise our litigious former colony, but in this instance it seems that fear of litigation has made Sony USA do the right thing.

But don't think Sony are alone in producing shoddy merchandise even Derek Trotter would be too ashamed to sell. Lest we forget

Humorous 360 RRoD comment.

bargains: money saving tip #1

Every Sci-Fi fan wants a replica from their favourite series, and what better gift is there for a Star Trek fan than a Type-II Hand Phaser.
It's a lucrative market for replica manufacturers and a replica Type II will cost as much as $500. So why not save money by picking up one of these for less than £15, add £5 of silver paint, some permanent marker and a few sticky labels and you'll have a phaser so authentic you'll be dropping Borg left and right. Just remember to remodulate your pulse frequencies to combat the Borg rotating their shield polarities, but only rookies would forget something that fundamental.

Plus, you can re-enact classic episodes while grooming your dog. It's a win for all the family.

daily life: Dictionary Corner

How many times have you walked into a shop, or seen an advert on TV that says something like 'Buy One Get One Free on All Dog Food', but after rushing to the shop find out there is some small print that says 'Exclusions apply' or 'Stickered Products only' and the only dog food on offer is Chappie. No dog likes Chappie, any owner force feeding Chappie to their dog should be sent to prison and fed nothing but Chappie until the day they die.
But I digress, the dictionary definition of all means every single item, so how can a shop say 'All' and mean 'Some', 'Some Dog Food Half Price' doesn't have the same ring to it I guess. But what the hell are the Advertising Standards Agency doing with their time, probably force feeding dogs Chappie while laughing.

Remember, the half-priced cake is a lie.

driving: OK Commuter.

There is one thing us Brits are renowned for across the globe, our love of queuing. I hate to break it to you world but that just isn't correct any more, Britain has forgotten how to queue.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than the Petrol Station, where we queue up to almost literally burn money, only we don't queue up to do this any more because a new trend has reached Britain - The Pump Jump.

Next time somebody jumps the queue on you at the petrol station, or you see somebody Pump Jumping I want you to climb out of the car and chant Pump Jumper, Pump Jumper while pointing at the offender. Perhaps even rig up a crude petrol bomb because frankly, what better place is there to do that than a petrol station.

Together, we can stop Pump Jumping. Also, buy* one of my custom designed T-Shirts that clearly aren't just mocked up in MS Paint.

*To order a T-Shirt send me your sort code and account number and I will take the necessary funds and email you the T-Shirt via the internet somehow.

Entertainment: Hit me with your pricing stick.

Shock horror, some people in this world still buy CDs, and I am proud to say that I am one of those individuals. CDs are brilliant and compared to an MP3 much better value for money, that is unless you want to purchase a CD not endorsed by Simon Cowel. If the artist you listen to did not win Britain's Got the X Factor Strictly Dancing on the Stars it is a completely different matter.

While browsing Amazon the other day for some CDs I came across the following insane prices.

Jakalope: Things That Go Jump In The Night £28

Flyleaf: Remember To Live EP £17


Mankind is Obsolete: Rise £17

Die Mannequin: FINO + BLEED £24



This is just insane. And I will finish with my favourite Jakalope video.

technology: Should have gone to Specsavers.

Keeping up with technology can be difficult for even the most technologically minded individual, new buzz words are thought up by marketing to make 10 year old technology seem new and exciting, just look at how the Apple Newton iPhone that has revolutionised the way you don't make phone calls.

I'm sure everybody and their dog has heard the 3D buzzword, how 3D can turn even the most pathetic plot into the 'Greatest Movie Experience Evar' it's all about 'Perspective' you know.

Perhaps this is true, but like many of you out there I wear corrective lenses and trying to wear active shutters is like balancing a hippo on top of the Eiffel Tower.

In truthiness 3D was reintroduced a few years back to try and curb the haemorrhaging numbers attending the cinema (which has so far failed miserably). The TV manufacturers jumped on it as an easy way to beat the spiralling costs incurred in pursuit of improving LCD technology by simply updating the picture engines in their existing models and killing off the dynamic 3LED back-lights that were costing them a fortune.

driving: You turn if you want to...

... the lane is not for turning.

On my regular commute I drive on a variety of roads, and being a sensible individual I am aware that some actions are legal on a B-road but not on a Motorway.
As part of my drive I use a 1 mile stretch of dual carriageway, but something recently caught my eye as I trundled along this innocuous stretch of road. At first I couldn't place my finger on it, but then I noticed that a forest of 'No U-Turn' signs had sprouted on the left carriageway, every 30ft a warning to motorists that 'U-Turns are prohibited on this road' glared down at me.

I can only speculate as to what incident sparked the Highways Agency to place over 50 signs on this 1mile stretch or road, especially as they are only present on the left carriageway.

daily life: Ewww, don't eat the green ones. They're not ripe yet

Valentines day is just around the corner and you want to get your loved one the perfect gift. Do you buy perfume, jewellery, perhaps even a saucepan set if you are looking for a quick divorce. No, you buy a cucumber, but not a regular cucumber, this is a heart shaped cucumber that costs twice the price of a regular cucumber.

Satisfy the woman you love with your love cucumber, only available at Sainsbury.

food: A meal for all the family.

I really love Nik-Naks and I much prefer them to a bag of Walkers. My favourite flavour for years was Sour Cream and Chive, and then one day they just stopped making them. Some bright spark at GoldenWonder who clearly has ageusia replaced them with Scampi.
Maybe I am not an expert on snack foods, but it doesn't take an expert to know Scampi flavoured corn starch tastes vile.
Scampi clearly didn't sell well because now they have replaced them with Pickled Onion in the multipacks, but I understand some odd people still buy them in the extra large individual packs.

Here's a tip Golden Wonder (owners of Nik-Naks), bring back the flavour people actually liked.

P.S. What happened to all the massive Nik-Naks you used to find in the bags, now they are just pathetic.

entertainment: The voices

I recently watched The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time: The Movie. The film isn't very good which is what I expected, but can someone explain to me why all the Persians had British accents. I can understand that the core actors were British, but why did Jake Gyllenhaal that well known AMERICAN have to put on an English accent. To be fair it wasn't a bad accent, I just have no clue why they felt it was necessary.

I can only presume that Disney felt the audience would confuse the film for an episode of 24 and start hoping Jack Bauer would turn up and kick some Terrorist arse.

daily life: IT's the System.

EDF energy have decided to update their online system, the management probably need a new project to fiddle the books with.
Normally this wouldn't annoy me, but the genius (and I expect the IT department comprises of just 1 member of staff) that works at EDF have turned off the old system before the new system is ready, greeting me with the following message

We are improving our MyAccount service and will write to let you know when it is ready for you to register for it.

Well done EDF, you've made it so I can't pay you money. With EDF being a French company they've probably gone on strike, so it's anybody's guess when it will get fixed.

driving: Indicative of societies decline.

Many years ago Florence Lawrence (what were her parents thinking) had the brilliant idea to stick some lights on a car which indicated your intention to turn left or right.


The idea has since become a requirement for all cars largely to prevent accidents. Failure to use indicators can even prevent you passing a driving test. It's just common sense to use them, it's not like they are sophisticated pieces of electronic equipment that require a Ph.D..


So why does nobody ever use their indicators? 
Just once I'd like to stop at a roundabout and have an inkling of which direction a car is intending to go. Worse than people that don't use indicators are those that can't turn the correct one on. I'm tired of idling like an idiot doing complex vector calculations to determine if that purple Micra is going to take the next exit. 
Perhaps if their was an app you could install on your iPhone which you used for indicating people would use it to prove they have an iPhone. Maybe I should patent iNDICATE, it could make me a fortune.

Maybe the government should run a new campaign.


THINK! Use your indicator you &%$*.

daily life: Don't forget to swipe your Clubcard.

I hear you ask how I can moan about Tesco giving me Clubcard points on items I would buy anyway. From this I can conclude you don't know me very well.

Well, you may be aware that a while ago Tesco 'doubled' the value of Clubcard points so you now earn them twice as fast. What you may not be aware of is that Tesco HALVED the value of points awarded on petrol so you now have to spend £2 to get 1 solitary point. At that rate you would need to drain the middle east to buy a pencil sharpener.

You may ask yourself why Tesco did this, we will never know for sure but my theory is...

They realised that most customers spend infinitely more money on petrol than in store. I personally find Tesco products to be inferior quality and more expensive than other supermarkets, so over 70% of my points came from petrol. Tesco certainly didn't advertise the fact they cut the points awarded on petrol, but they definitely told everybody that they now get 'double Cubcard points instore'.

politics: Bollards to you

In the 'tough economic climate' we constantly hear about on the news, governments and councils keep claiming that they need to cut costs and services they provide. I don't mind this, because frankly so much money is wasted that you could probably scrap 99% of the stuff Thanet District Council does and nobody would even notice.

So can somebody please explain to me why TDC have just spent a fortune installing unnecessary bollards along Margate seafront and the last 2 months repainting the shelter along the promenade. How much money is being spent so the tramps on Margate promenade can piss in on a green bench instead of a red bench.

I'm sure the tramps will appreciate that new paint job instead of a council flat, and the tourists will be able to sit on a piss drenched bench safe in the knowledge that it was painted just a few weeks ago.

Utterly ridiculous.