mini-moan: paro-illegal.

This moan has been brought to the surface after sitting through 80 minutes of vulgarity branded as 'humour' which is the film 'Stan Helsing' and I certainly wouldn't advise anybody to be as foolish as I by watching it.

The 2000s saw a boom in parody films which has thankfully slowed but has far from halted. Since 'Scary Movie 2' we all became rather sick of it and for every gem such as 'Meet the Spartans' that was released you had to also suffer through an 'Epic Movie' or worst of all a 'Dance Movie' (I only managed 30 minutes of that one).

When the parody is more pathetic and far less entertaining than the terrible film(s) it was meant to be mocking you should draw a line under the whole experiment and move on with your life. Can we please stop with the parody films before they start making awful parody films of terrible parody films?

mini-moan: somebody get the plunger, there's a blockage.

Yesterday I was watching the first episode of Alphas and I thought to myself "I've seen that guy in something" but I had absolutely no idea why I recognised him. Then it started to bug me, I couldn't enjoy the show because instead I was just trying to remember how I recognised him. I started recalling all the television shows he might have been in at some point and kept drawing a blank. It was driving me mental until I relented and looked on Wikipedia and "Of course, he was in that".

But even worse than trying to remember where you recognise somebody from is when you are trying to remember their name. You are pretty sure it starts with a "C" so you start going through every possible name in your head "Chris", "Craig", "Charlie" "Cameron", after many hours of this you resort to Wikipedia and it turns out it's actually "Peter", so not only have you wasted many hours trying to guess somebody's name for no real purpose, you never even had a chance of being victorious in that pointless pursuit.

And no, I'm not going to tell you who it was because I know not knowing is bugging the hell out of you.

deleted: not fit for consumption.

Sometimes when compiling my posts I have lots of brilliant ideas that just don't make it. Perhaps they didn't work very well, maybe they were a tad complex for my rather simple minded readers, or sometimes despite being brilliant they ruin the flow of the post. My last moan had several ideas that didn't make it into the final product (much like the rice doesn't make it into a microwave curry), but unlike the deleted scenes on that DVD you've never watched these are worthy of your time.

It's the same story when you buy a Steak and Kidney pie, you'd need a high powered electron microscope to detect the kidney particles in one of those and everybody knows the best part of a Steak and Kidney pie is the kidney. In fact forget about the steak and give me a Kidney pie I always end up giving the steak to the dog.


And they might as well rename Chicken and Mushroom pie to just Chicken pie because I have a larger crop of mushrooms growing in my bathroom than I've ever found inside a Chicken and Mushroom pie.


Maybe the reason you get hardly any rice in a microwave curry is because they use that super rice where each grain contains the nutritional equivalent of an entire paddy field. We could probably solve the worlds hunger problem by shipping a couple Tesco Tikka Masala and Pilau rice out to the starving nations if that really is the case.


So there you have it, some brilliantly funny and amazingly insightful comments that didn't see the light of the internet until now.

food: carbohy-light

As a sad and lonely man (have I mentioned this before?) much of my diet consists of microwave meals for one, in fact the microwave becomes your second best friend when you've been single as long as I have even if operating it is so torturous eating broken glass seems like a more inviting prospect and probably more flavoursome compared to all the ready  meals I've previously eaten.

But a big problem with such ready meals are the portions, we all know they aren't very generous, but why is it that there is barely any carbohydrate and far too much protein? You'd expect it to be the other way, god knows how poor the meat has to be if it works out cheaper than rice or potato and I certainly don't want anybody to tell me where it comes from. 

Take a microwave curry as an example, you'll get 3 grains of rice in the 'rice' compartment and 2 dozen flocks of chicken in the 'curry' compartment. That's hardly a balanced meal, so I'm sat there already depressed because I'm alone eating a ready meal trying hard not to wonder where they found a square chicken from which they can carve the perfect 1" cubes of meat while carefully rationing my last grain of rice as 90% of my meat curry is still on the plate. Perhaps it is all a ploy to increase the sales of Naan bread, you'll certainly need a score of them to mop up the bounty of curry sauce because you obviously won't be able to do so with all that rice you didn't get. Don't even get me started on a microwave chicken chow mein that will contain all of 2 noodles and a slither of cabbage.

daily life: that's grate.

Due to my immense charm and unsurpassed wit whenever I am around people laughter ensues and normally this isn't a problem. But the problem lies in the laugh and some people have the most atrociously grating laugh imaginable, the type of laugh that makes you want to stick your head into a bucket of wet cement and wait until it sets. Nothing spoils a jovial conversation more than the sound of a dying donkey piercing the air.

If you have a Jimmy Carr laugh (evidence attached), then my advice is that you purchase my new 'theguywhomoanscalledmatthew Annoying Laugh Removal Kit' which comprises a tgwmcm licensed needle and heavy duty thread that can be used to sow your mouth completely shut and thus preventing the escape of your suicide inducing laugh.

announcement: calling time.

You may remember on Saturday I began the search for a  protégé  and my post box has been overflowing. If you haven't been contacted by my representative then unfortunately your CV just didn't cut the mustard. 

My Laboratoire has already begun the processing and analysing of the fluid samples that have been trickling in over the last few days, and with the exception of one individual trying to personally deliver their sample freshly through the letterbox which was embarrassing for all involved this has been an uneventful process. If you have yet to send in your sample then note it is intended for you to place it into a SEALED PLASTIC CONTAINER, I thought that was obvious but apparently some people did not comprehend this correctly. Dorris the Laboratoire secretary had quite a shock. We've had to place her on emotional leave and she will likely require many more months of therapy to fully recover. Worse of all the Laboratoire was closed for several days while a team of experts decontaminated the facility.

mini-moan: let's see what happens

I feel obligated to write a moan because I have made a promise, but my mind is blank. Earlier I had a fantastic idea for a new post, the ideas were coagulating inside my mind and I could taste it, smell it, hear it. But now I have completely forgotten what that moan was going to be. That brings me to a new moan, how can you just 'forget' something? One moment something is clear in your mind and the next you haven't got a clue, often you mutter the words "I've got something to tell you" and then you are stood there as if somebody has just removed your brain and replaced it with Colcannon (although they forgot to mix in the cabbage).

Now I know how the guy in our company meeting the other day must have felt, he's lucky nobody could see him or it would have been even more embarrassing. And how can somebody not know Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? It's a classic book that has been butchered in two separate film adaptations.